The following evening I had the chance to catch up with a handful of old friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen for several years. Buddies from my college years. Good friends who I try to keep in touch with on a semi-regular basis. We toss out old war stories from bygone days, commiserate about our jobs, tiptoe through some political topics then quickly change subjects when things get out of hand, pop out the family photos in jammed wallets. And then it happens. The inquisition followed by the sincere advice.
Confused?
Let me tell you about what I call “The cross of singlehood” - it's not a big cross, in comparison to others. But it is one that tends to get heavier as you get older.
Are you married?
(no)
Are you seeing someone?
(no)
Have I got just the girl for you!
(blind date?... ummm, no thank you)
Are you gay?
(NO!)
Are you a priest?
(no)
It's as though there can only be these options: married, about to be married, a priest, or gay. As if single life is not a valid option. Certainly not once you hit your 30s. So then you get that look where they wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Or there’s that look of sympathy and concern. Then the unsolicited advice comes forth. Here are some of the variations on the theme:
Try those on-line dating services?
(and pay someone lots of money to meet someone thru cyberspace?)
How about church functions?
*stare*
The old standbys: night clubs & bars
(you’re kidding me, right? I’m 42, not 22.)
Have you tried speed dating?
(you mean those frantic, five minute, assembly-line race to the finish dating stunts?)
Someone at work?
(nope, small company, no single women)
Just bump into a woman’s shopping cart at the supermarket or strike up a conversation with someone at a book store.
*covering eyes*
You deserve to have someone!
(yes, I do)
You’re such a nice guy!
(gee, thanks for telling me… by the way, the descriptive “nice” is considered a 4-letter word kiss of death for single people everywhere.)
You know, you really should consider the priesthood.
(umm, it’s not my calling)
Are you sure???
*stern look* (yes, I’m sure!)
You need to get in the game.
(as though I'm to prepare for a football match, with shoulder pads and a helmet.)
Even if I did "get in the game" (and believe me, I do), given my current economic situation, I can’t afford to be in a relationship right now. And if I make the mistake of mentioning that, then that opens up yet another series of inquisitions and recommendations. (*sigh*)
“A time to weep and a time to laugh… a time to speak and a time to be silent.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3
I know people mean well. It’s all well-intentioned. But, it’s not like these topics (especially these topics - relationships, finances, career, health) aren’t already on my mind… every day. God and I have had many a conversation about these and several other topics in my life over the years. I’ve learned, over time, that there’s a reason for things being the way they are in my life right now. It’s not easy. It’s not perfect. I certainly still stumble through some of my daily struggles. I realize that there’s still some more growing to do.
“A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” ~ Proverbs 14:29-30
And things once again begin to pierce the heart when in the course of just three days I find out that, my oldest brother is about to get engaged again very soon. His daughter (my goddaughter & niece) gets engaged. I’d already known for well over a month that my godson/nephew also got engaged. And then everyone in the family finds out at once that another niece is pregnant… again… for the third time. So, within the next two years, there’ll be three weddings in the family, and I’ll become a “grand-uncle” for the fifth time. And I'm joyful. Sincerely joyful. But somewhere tucked in that deeply hidden place inside of me?
And, due to the makeup of my family, it’s up to me and me alone to be able to carry on the family name. In a tearful conversation with my dad, I reassure him that it’s pressure that has never been placed on me by others. It’s only pressure, and longing, and insecurity that I’ve placed on myself.
And I recall an incident several years ago, in a late night moment of deep despair and anguish regarding that persistent void in my life, when God spoke to me in a powerfully silent voice – saying, “Patience, Michael… patience.” I trusted Him then with that message, and I have to continue to trust Him.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” ~ 2 Peter 3:9
And I’m reminded of Zachariah who (in Luke 1) doubted the angel who informed him that his wife Elizabeth (both in their old age) would bring forth a son. And because he doubted, the angel took away his ability to speak for the next nine months. (I’m sure Lizzy didn’t quite mind that so much. Zach, I bet, was probably a bit miffed.)
Or, in Genesis 15, Abram and Sarai who (also in their old age) laughed at the direct word from God Himself who told them that generations will spring forth from them. And, in doubting His word, they decided to take matters into their own hands. And really screwed things up by having Abram sleep with a mistress.
So, not wanting to make any rash decisions in this area, and not wanting to lose my voice, I learn to be patient. And I continue to work on the parts of my nature that still needs honing and smoothing and refining. And I begin to understand that the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 (“Love is patient. Love is kind.”) are not just meant to be read at weddings for married couples. It’s also a message for single people, too.
On Mother’s Day I went with my Dad to go to mass at my old parish. And one of those negative remnants from my past creeps up again. My mind replays certain scenes from my childhood years as we drive past the old grade school. Times when some of the kids were cruel, while others tried as best as they could to avoid their own moments of intimidation or humiliation at the hands of fellow students. Or, in some cases, from certain teachers who dispensed their own form of humiliation or indifference. Of course, not all of the teachers were like that. And not every day was filled with fear or shame. But emotional wounds at a young age cut deep and take longer to heal. Yet, I’ve learned to reconcile. I’ve learned to focus on the many more positive and joyful moments of my youth. And I’ve learn to forgive.
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34
As my dad and I walk into the church one of those strange little humourous memories bubbled up from my brain. Although the church has been rearranged slightly, the glazed yellow and brown bricks, and the small, draw-chained stained glass windows brings back more memories – including the morning masses before classes started on the First Friday of each month, and a church full of us school kids hoping that the priest starts the Eucharistic Prayer with “Lord, you are hold indeed…” or at least “Father, you are holy indeed…” because if you heard him say the word “indeed” you knew that it was one of the two short Eucharistic Prayers, which meant you had a whole 60 seconds less time having to kneel in the pews. Little did I know then that that is one of the oldest Eucharistic Prayers in the Church, dating back to the early 200s.
Sitting next to my dad during mass, the current pastor gave his homily on the day’s Gospel reading from John 15.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener... Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” ~ John 15:1-10
Father Tully called this the “if” clause - a clause that many of us tend to skip over. If you abide in me, if you remain in me, then whatever we ask will be given to us. We tend to concentrate on what we want, as if we think we know what’s best for us. After all, we’re adults, don’t you know? We become bombarded from all angles with massive amounts of information and distraction and conflicting messages, confusing us. At times, convincing us that this is important, and that is acceptable. This is necessary, and do that and you’ll be fulfilled.
“Meaningless! Utter meaningless! ... All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing... [all] a chasing of the wind.” ~ Ecclesiastes 1:2,8,14
Lost in the cacophony you begin to lose sight of Jesus’ words, “If you abide in me.” It’s a daily challenge trying to remain in Him. It’s a struggle to maintain the abidance. The outer forces of the world and the inner forces of our souls tug and pull and keep us unsettled, when all we really want is peace. Inner peace. St. Paul in his letter to the Philippians entices us with what he calls “a secret.”
“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” ~ Philippians 4:11-13
And what is that secret to real contentment versus fleeting complacency? His profoundly simple solution is just several verses earlier in the chapter.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7
After mass my dad and I went back to the cemetery together one more time, bringing flowers for Mother's Day. Then the following morning, before leaving to catch my flight, just like my mom used to do, he takes out her old, small jar of holy oil, blesses my forehead and prays for my safe journey. And I head to the airport to catch my flight for a 2-day pilgrimage to EWTN, the global Catholic cable network, and the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament.
“Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:13-14
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