My Southern Puddle-Jumper Experience

Per request from an on-line friend, I was able to find my notes from a unique airline flight I had a couple years ago from Birmingham, AL, to Charlotte, NC (It was after my 2-day visit to EWTN). I call these relatively short flights "puddle-jumpers", and the flight attendants on these puddle-jumpers in the South have a tendency to stray from the normal safety protocol script that you get at the beginning of your flight. In fact, if you didn’t know any better, you’d think you had just stumbled in a "Night At The Improv". What follows (practically verbatim... it was so funny - and unexpected - that I had to take notes) was the "routine" given on that surreal flight from the female comed-... uh, I’m mean "flight attendant". The names and airlines have been omitted to protect the guilty.

"In the seat pocket in front of you there is a safety card for you to follow along. It’s got pretty pictures. If you’ve heard this a thousand times before, at least pretend to read over the card. You people in Rows 15 and 16? You HAVE to read the card.

For those of you who haven’t driven in a car since 1964, shame on you! For the rest of you, you’ll need to fasten your seat-belt just like you do in your car.

Please put you seats in the upright and uncomfortable position for take-off.

In case of an emergency, yellow oxygen masks will drop down from the ceiling. If you have a small child, or if the person next to you is acting like a small child, please put your mask on first before assisting the child.

If you happen to be in the lavatory when an emergency occurs, for your convenience a mask will drop in there as well. It’s a little different, just pull down the tag that says "pull". After you’re done screaming, please place the mask over your face and adjust the straps accordingly.

If we should happen to need to land in one of the 3000 swimming pools between Birmingham and Charlotte, your seat may be used as a floatation device.

There’s no smoking allowed at any time during this or any other flight. There is, however, smoking allowed on the wings. If you can light it, you can smoke it. But, you’ll be gone in 60 seconds.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave this airplane: two in front of the aircraft, and four in the middle.

If you need a personal light to be able to read during the flight, press the yellow button above you. If you need assistance from one of the flight attendants, press the green button. Pressing it once is free. Press it three or four times and you’ll be charged $5.00 per press. Press it more than five times and your seat will be ejected. You think I’m joking? Just try it!

We may experience turbulence during the flight. If so, please remain seated and keep your seat-belt fastened. We wouldn’t want you to get a headache for the rest of the day.

Thank you for flying ________ Airlines."

Only in the South.

You can imagine the looks on everyone’s face during and after that "opening monologue".